Month: May 2016

When I first saw the old painter’s stool, I saw him. And more than that I felt him, there with me in that St. Louis antique store. I felt his energy, his love, and the life that still remained, somewhere very near.

I knew we had a long road trip home, in a car that barely held our luggage, but I also knew that I couldn’t walk away from the emblematic embrace of that old painter’s stool.

I now catch my family–when they visit my home–staring at my vintage stool in a way that tells me that they see him too. “This stool,” They’ll ask, a universal longing reflecting in their eyes, “Didn’t Dad have one just like it?”

For us this stool, painted and worn, is evidence of his existence and of the bond that death has failed to sever. And though it may not be his actual stool–

when I see it, I see him–

and this always makes me smile.

“Death is nothing at all. It doesn’t count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!”  ~Henry Scott Holland

When the voice on the blog tutorial I was listening to said, “It’s all about quality over quantity” it almost did me in.

As someone who is working very hard to reform my perfectionist ways, this was a bitter pill to swallow.

I reflected upon the words given to me in a dream when a man–after reviewing a book of my life and all that I was meant to accomplish–gave me this warning, “But your perfectionism will stop you from doing any of this. These things shall never come to pass.” He then shut the book–the book of what my life could have been–with a finality that I wanted to protest but knew I couldn’t. I knew he was right.

For me the pursuit of quality has robbed me of a quantity of life experiences.  Quality has kept me in my seat when I wanted to dance. It’s kept me silent when I wanted to sing. Quality has extinguished my passions and it has stilled my pen.

And I can’t–I won’t–let quality rob me anymore.

I will break open that book–the book of what my life WILL BE–and I’ll fill the pages with quantity over quality because only then will I really live.

I’ll fill my life with a quantity of failures so that I can taste success. I’ll endure a quantity of vulnerable moments to find what makes me strong. And I’ll live through a quantity of “No she didn’t!” to reach a quantity of “Yes she did!”

So to the voice on the blog tutorial, I’m afraid that I cannot heed your advice. To do so would mean that this blog would go the way of the countless unanswered pursuits that came before it.  All in the name of quality.

Besides–when I look back on my life–the everyday, unpolished, imperfect moments are always my favorite.

“When thou didst create man, thou placed within him part of thine omnipotence and bade him choose for himself.” ~David O. McKay

Our stay at the posh Scottsdale resort was brought to us by a decision. A decision that–though controversial to some–for us was perfect.

While watching my girls relax by the poolside at this posh resort, I reflected on one of my favorite things about being alive–our right to choose. I love the diversity of the human spirit and that ideas, thoughts and decisions can, and should, be custom made to fit our own life experiences.

“Never, and I mean never, allow anyone else’s ideas of who you can or can’t become sully your dream or pollute your imagination. This is your territory, and a ‘Keep Out’ sign is a great thing to erect at all entrances to your imagination.” ~Wayne Dyer

If ever I forget that this life is not a one size fits all experience and I find myself judging others for having different ideas than my own, I try to remember my Dad’s words of wisdom when he’d say, “What’s it to ya fish face?”

Similarly, the Savior gave us these words on the matter,

“Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.”

This verse always makes me smile as I imagine looking down and seeing the words,

What’s it to ya fish face?

written in the footnotes.

The decision that brought us to the posh resort in Scottsdale–though controversial to some–was made under the loving assurance from our Savior that He thought it was right for us.

So with His command to, “follow thou me” that’s exactly what we did.

And… well… What’s it to ya fish face? 🙂

 

I promised to write everyday within reason.

And today it simply wasn’t reasonable.

See you tomorrow.

 

A few hours after returning home from the Valley, I woke up in what felt like a drunken stupor and tried to make sense of the thoughts flooding my mind.  Had I really gotten naked center stage in front of hundreds of people? And…oh dear…had I really given out my blog address to those hundreds of people with a promise to write everyday?

Funny thing is, I didn’t mind the getting naked part, I’d gladly do that again, but the blog promise… well–let me tell you my friends–that definitely made me question my sanity.

“What was I thinking?” I wondered. “Seriously. What have I done?”

“What you’ve done,” a gentle, reassuring voice whispered to my heart, “Is said Yes.”

The thought instantly comforted me as I remembered the following words written by Rory Feek,

“If you would have told me back then, that that one decision would open the door for all of Joey’s dreams to come true (and dreams that I never even dared to dream also), I wouldn’t have believed you. I had no idea what would happen. I only knew that I was scared and nervous, and wanted to say no. In my mind, it didn’t add up. So for once, I didn’t use my mind, I used my heart and just said yes… And that made all the difference”

I don’t know why I felt compelled to make those promises on that stage–maybe all of that nakedness had gone to my head–and I don’t know if that decision will lead to any greater consequence than to simply help me fulfill the goals that I’ve put off for far too long.

But what I do know is that I said yes…

and yes is where it all begins.

“If you don’t choose behaviors beyond your natural instincts for what you like and don’t like, you will miss brilliant opportunities in your life.” ~Mark Bowden

(me, standing naked in front of the crowd)