To be honest I felt excited when, in 2006 my husband and I packed up our lives and moved to a small town. I thought the change would be good. I thought I would love it. I thought wrong.
I sabotaged my happiness by not letting go of the past. By keeping one foot (along with my heart, body, mind and soul) firmly planted in the city, I could never fully embrace the glorious “now” offered in my new home.
Until, completely fed up with myself, I wrote the following words and began to make a change.
I’m missing and have been since I left the city
To live the small town, country life.
I thought I could pack myself up
Right along with the books, linens, and fine china.
As if moving all of my worldly treasures
Would be enough to make me want to go,
But it wasn’t.
I dug in my heels and stayed behind.
Trying to live my new life without me has been hard,
Very hard.
Occasionally I go back to fetch myself,
And what fun we have.
Eating at our favorite restaurants,
Visiting the museums,
And shopping.
Oh the shoes!
We bond when we buy shoes,
And I believe that maybe this time
It will be enough to keep us together.
But I always go back to the country alone,
Empty.
Longing for myself is killing me,
Robbing me of joy.
It’s time for me to move on,
To dump myself for someone new.
Someone who will share this slow paced,
Simple life without complaint,
Someone who will fill my life with new breath
Instead of choking me with reminders of the old.
Yes, I’m dumping myself,
But we can still buy shoes together, okay?
On Instagram this morning I stumbled upon a feed that made me realize that I have again been resisting change in my life. That I have again been longing for myself–a different, past self–and in turn have robbed myself of joy, choking on reminders of the past.
I then sought out more Instagram feeds designed to strengthen and encourage until, empowered, I felt ready to do what must be done. I’m ready to embrace the glorious “now”. I’m ready to breakup with me.
It’s nothing personal we just want different things these days. I need someone new. Someone who will share this new chapter of my life without complaint. And I’m excited. So excited. To finally meet the me I’ve worked a lifetime to become.
But I will still need new shoes. You know, from time to time.