It was like some sort of a bad dream hangover, the way I felt when I woke up a few days ago. I don’t remember what I had dreamt about but there was no other explanation for the darkness I felt.
I sat tick, tick, ticking off–from a list in my head–all of the reasons I wasn’t an adequate mother or overall human being. “I haven’t done it ‘right’.” I told myself. “The way it’s ‘supposed to’ be done.”
“Right” and “Supposed to”. Oh how these ideals have conspired against me trough the years. I have read, studied, watched, asked, learned and tried to mimic those who seem to have mastered “right” and “supposed to”. I’ve tried to follow their examples to no lasting avail. Because as it turns out, another’s “right” and “supposed to” are often quite different than my own.
“But at the end of the day, your intuition as a guardian should govern your action. Don’t let any study or opinion keep you from listening to the heart of your home. Your home has a rhythm, a flow and a voice that is unique to your family. Trust it.”
~Brooke Hampton
I’ve come to embrace and often thrive in my own rhythm of “right” and “supposed to”. But for years I struggled, calling my rights wrong–compared to those of others.
I think my bad dream must have taken me back to that place, tempting me to forget all I’ve learned, to forget who I am and to silence the voice that’s uniquely my own. But I can’t forget. I’ve come too far.
So I’ll shake off the darkness, tear up the list, and continue down this path I’m supposed to be on .
Trusting that the Lord will take what I offer,
and make everything right.
