(my hair and makeup might be awful but my Swatch watch is pretty sweet)
Dear kids,
What I would tell you about my birthday is that I used to hate it. A lot. Which has nothing at all to do with aging because, for the most part, I’ve really loved getting to try out different ages.
Take today for instance. Today is the first ever day I get to try life out as a 48 year old. There’s something quite thrilling about that to me. I’ve never been 48. I think it’s going to be fun.
It was expectations–or more honestly a fear of disappointment–that made me hate my birthday. Somewhere along the way I decided that the expectation to disappointment ratio that comes from a day designed to be “all about me” was just too risky. So I closed myself off to it.
Yes I would smile, say thank you and make merry but all the while my heart felt empty, broken. Because what I didn’t understand is that without expectations life moves to disappointment by default. In trying so desperately to protect myself I created the very thing I feared most.
Then, for a few years in a row, Dad got called away for business on my birthday. Now it was all on me to make my birthday all about me and a shift took place. I had to have expectations or nothing would happen. I had to find my voice. And disappointments be damned, I found my voice.
I learned that surrendering to a day that’s all about me is a glorious thing indeed. It started out with taking you all out to a celebratory dinner then on to eating cake in my bed late at night while watching a movie. Following years brought me my beloved Ziggy Piggy ice cream treat–I love my Ziggy Piggy– and trips to my favorite antiques and thrift stores. And in all of this my heart was opened, my mind expanded, as I realized that in trying to protect myself from disappointment I was robbing myself of joy.
“I do not leap or jump for the landing. I leap for the experience through the air. Because we cannot predict the landing.” ~Brene Brown
Hiding from disappointment–expecting the worst–just meant that I was scraping along the ground crashing at every turn. With high expectations it’s true that I might have to live through disappointment, but at least I get to fly, to feel elated and free before the crash. I get to enjoy my experience through the air.
So I invite you now to come on in–take that leap–the air is fine.
…and today is my birthday. Did I ever tell you that it’s one of my favorite days of the year?
(enjoying last year’s Ziggy Piggy)