My heart raced and I found it difficult to breathe as the mall grew increasingly crowded with strangers. Strangers whose demeanor, appearance and attitudes suggested they walked in darkness.
While frantically planning my escape, everything and everyone in the room stopped–frozen in place.
And I–carried above the scene–looked down to see myself, amid the crowd, encased inside of a protective bubble. A bubble held in the hand of Christ.
“Fear thou not.” He spoke gently to me. “For I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”
The impressions felt during this dream have returned to me often through the years. I so badly desire to walk with, serve with and love with the boldness offered to me through the words and images given in this vision.
Some years ago, during church service, I expressed this desire to my Father in Heaven. “I am sorry that I am frightened.” I told Him. “And that anxiety and panic attacks have stopped me from doing Thy work.”
The room fell silent as I was carried away into a realm of perfect love and acceptance. A place where Christ, who payed to know me intimately, spoke words that made me feel more understood that I have ever felt before.
“You have been wounded.” He said, filling me to such capacity with His love that I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing before Him.
With His perfect love and understanding I felt a new understanding and love toward myself. Because though I have been wounded, when evil conspired to destroy me at a young age, it cannot change the truth of who I am.
(When triggers come, bringing with them a message that I am broken, lost and defeated. I envision myself as a warrior. The warrior that I know I truly am. Standing steadfast among the rubble as chaos and destruction swirl around me. I am not broken, lost or defeated. Through my Savior, it is an impossibility that simply cannot be.)
I am a child of God. Sent here by Him to do His work. My wounds will always be a part of me and I will always suffer side-effects, triggers that will throw me off balance from time to time. But I cannot, I will not, be stopped by them. For my God is with me, holding me in the right hand of His righteousness.
–and He understands.
(Upon completion of the inspiration wall in my kitchen, it made me smile to see that I had inadvertently placed the fun-loving, free falling–representation of who I want to be–crazy lady in the palm of the Savior’s hand. Everything I am, everything I hope to become is made possible through that guiding hand.)